kayla aimee: only slightly neurotic

Girl Meets Boy: Finally

(Thank you for reminiscing with me. The rest of the story is here)

The house looked like a story book, garlands draped from the porch, red and green lights twinkling and oversized candy canes dotting the sidewalk. I drove past slowly and then made a u-turn. I didn't want to look at Christmas lights alone. I wanted to look at them with Jeff. I made my way back to his house, thinking about our conversation.

"I don't want you to think it's an ultimatum, I'd told him, it's not, really, it's just that I'm afraid I feel more for you and I'm not sure I want to be emotionally in a different place than you..or you know, that thing we haven't said yet, I don't want to be there alone..." I knew my words didn't make much sense. He tried to soothe my fears without giving away that he'd taken the ring back to the jewelers just that morning to have it cleaned yet again. He wanted it to be perfect. Trust me, he'd said.

"Remember the date night I'd planned in September?" he asked. I did, I'd been looking forward to dressing up for it. But in the months since the accident, we'd mostly stuck to my house. I was too anxious to leave my dad alone until he was walking again. "New Year's Eve, he said, I'll pick you up."

The room was dark except for the brilliant glow of the candles, hundreds of candles. I turned to Jeff as he took my jacket. "You know, if you ever do decide to propose to me you should definitely use candles. A+ for that." He smiled and we sat down to the dinner he had prepared. He slid a slip of paper towards me. "The movie ticket from our first date, he said, you should scrapbook it."

I asked for another piece of pie. "Um, you can't have one" he said nervously. I eyed him curiously. "Okaaay, I'm going to change out of my skirt then" I told him. The tights were itchy and I had a pair of jeans stashed in my bag. "Um, no you can't do that yet. Actually, I was going to ask you to dance with me." He pressed a button and pulled me to him, swaying gently to the music. I teared up a little as the song faded in the background. He cleared his throat. "I have a gift for you" he told me as he reached under the couch.

"I didn't get you anything! I didn't know we were doing New Year's presents. I've never given anyone a New Year's present!" I exclaimed apologetically.

He handed me a small leather book. A Bible. Tiny gold letters embossed into the cover spelled out Kayla Aimee Terrell. I stood there, trying to work out what it meant. So maybe he did think I was the one? Is that why his last name was on there? Why not tell me? He'd said he wouldn't think about proposing for over a year. So was this like, a pre-proposal? Maybe it was sort of like a promise ring, I thought. "Look at the name" he encouraged. I stared at him in confusion. "I am" I replied. "Look at the ribbon" he said.

And that's when I saw the ring, tied to a satin burgandy ribbon pressed between the pages. I looked up in astonishment only to find him down on one knee. "I love you, he said in a voice I'd never forget, will you marry me?"

He handed me a piece of paper after I said yes. He'd written me a song, he told me. My eyes fell on the date. "You knew? You've known? When did you..." He brushed my hair back. "I've always needed you, he told me, I just didn't always know it."

The doorbell chimed and Jeff's eyes sparkled as our friends came through the door with gifts and desserts and congratulations. He had them in on it, he informed me. They all knew. "We were trying to throw you off" said Christie Michelle. "FINALLY!" exclaimed Cherany.

He held my hand, tracing his finger over my ring as we all counted down the new year.

Girl Meets Boy: Patience

(The rest of the story is here)

I stretched and rubbed the ache in my neck. I'd lost count of how many nights I'd slept on the waiting room floor of the ICU. Too many. I rolled over and touched his shoulder gently. He'd been there every night as well. He'd been sleeping at the hospital with me, leaving early in the morning to go to class and returning with dinner.

My aunt walked in as he kissed my forehead. "I think that boy loves you" she told me after he was gone. The days ran into each other, all the same. I don't remember much until the day my dad woke up. Then he was transferred to a hospital an hour away. Jeff made the trip with me. "I can miss class for a few days" he said.

On his way home he gave me a letter. I read it lying alone in a hotel bed while I waited for visiting hours to come. I was thankful that my dad was well enough for visiting hours, well enough to go home in a few weeks.

My dad answered the door in his wheelchair the night the girls came over. We were huddled on my bed upstairs when Tiffani gave us each a grain of rice. "I'm pregnant, she told us, that's how big the baby is."

I thought about Jeff that night. "I don't know if our road will end in eighty days or eighty years..." he'd written in his letter. I didn't either but I was leaning towards eighty years. I wasn't sure if I could wait to find out. I asked him the next day. "Do you see us together? You know, for eighty years?" He smiled and pulled me closer to him. Maybe, he'd told me. But he wasn't even going to think about being engaged or that serious for another year or more. I tried not to look upset by that revelation and he tried not to laugh at the fact that he had a diamond ring hidden in his closet.

He called a few days before Christmas "You are celebrating with the girls this week, right? I'm going to take your dad to dinner to celebrate being out of his wheelchair." I told the girls that maybe he was going to propose after all. Christie Michelle told me that she'd asked him. He wasn't proposing. She didn't want me to get my hopes up.

I cried that night. I loved him. I loved him and I knew I loved him and dang it if I hadn't asked God to keep me from loving him if he wasn't going to marry me. I wasn't sure if it would be good for me to love him and not know if he loved me back. I drove to his house the next night. "I think we might have to break up" I told him.

Girl Meets Boy: If I Hold Your Hand

(Parts 1- I-have-lost-count-I-told-you-it-was-a-really-long-story here!)

I had no idea what the movie was about. Airplanes maybe. He'd suggested we watch it when we arrived back at my house. Despite a heavy presence of Leonardo DiCaprio I couldn't focus because Jeff had shifted on the couch so that I was resting against his legs. He'd always kept his distance with me physically. We'd watched plenty of movies together, him tucked safely away from me at the other end of the sofa.

I was contemplating this new development when he touched my hair, letting the strands fall through his fingers. He carefully pulled me closer to him, his arms around my waist, lacing his fingers through mine. We sat in silence until I unwound myself from his embrace and said goodnight.

The next morning he brought me breakfast. I thanked him somewhat groggily. I'd been lying awake all night thinking. He wasn't impulsive. He was gentle and he was kind. He wouldn't have done that if it didn't mean anything to him. He'd always protected me, even from my own feelings. Even when it hurt him to know that his shutting me out hurt me, he'd only been trying to be honest with me, to not lead me on. He wouldn't have held me, I decided, if he didn't want me.

That night he reached over and took my hand again. "You have to tell me what this means, I said, I mean, I can't...You'll have to date me or something you know." He stroked the back of my hand. "I was going to ask you tonight, about dating, talk to you about it. But I just got here and you sort of beat me to the punch" he smiled.

I wasn't sure of my feelings. They weren't quite romantic. But I still thought he was one of the greatest men I'd ever known. And I knew I'd always wonder if I didn't at least see where it went. I was terrified, absolutely terrified to fall in love. I never wanted to feel heartbroken in that way again. I asked Jeff to be patient with me. I asked God to guard my heart, to pace me, to not let me fall in love with Jeff unless he was the man I'd marry.

The girls were cautious when I told them. Later, Natalie turned to me in the car. "John told me that if we were going to trust anyone to be gentle with your heart, it would be Jeff. And he's right. And we trust you. So we're okay with this." And so a relationship began taking place slowly. My feelings for him grew and deepened.

Almost five months later, he turned my face to his and kissed me softly.

We were in the den perfecting that kiss when the front door opened. "Did you just get back from the hospital" my dad's roommate questioned me. I had no idea what he was talking about. "Oh no. I don't want to be the one to tell you this. Your dad...he's in the emergency room. He was hit by a car and...and it's bad. I thought someone would have called you..." I looked down at my cell phone, shut off because I'd been teaching youth that night. I had 27 voicemails.

Jeff loaded me, hysterical, into the car and drove me to the hospital. It was the first night of many that I would sleep there.

Girl Meets Boy: Dinner And A Movie

(Parts 1-5 can be read by scrolling down. My link button hates me, sorry)

I was glad that Jeff had forgotten his phone. He'd have to come back over to get it, which meant he would definitely show up to go to church with me the next day. I hadn't been able to talk to him much at the party. I wanted to know what was going on in his life.

I chattered incessantly as we drove north. It was a long drive and I was excited for him to meet the youth group I was leading. I loved those kids, I told him. I was glad that they let me stay with them after the youth pastor (who also happened to be my ex) left. I don't think I could have handled losing them too, I told him.

"So...I'd been thinking about you. Anthony told me that he saw you on campus and, well, he said you looked terrible. No offense. I wanted to check on you but I didn't know where you were or anything" he told me.

And then I was honest with him. I told him how bad it had been. I told him that I was going to therapy.

We spent the rest of the day together. And the day after that. And the day after that. He'd meet me after work and we'd hike the mountain and I would marvel at how easy the friendship was when I wasn't heartbroken over him.

"So, do you kind of like Thiago?" he asked me, adding another Scrabble tile to the board. I sighed. I wanted to like Thiago. "Kind of" I answered.

The next day he showed up at my house with a computer. "Your computer sucks" he told me. I protested. "You can't just go around giving people computers, Jeff" I said. "I built it a few years ago. It's not a big deal. But it's better than this computer that you have from...how old is thing anyway?" It was from 1995 actually, but that was not the point.

My dad wandered into my room after Jeff left that night. "I think he likes you" he told me. He was wrong, I informed him haughtily. We were just friends. He leveled a look at me. "That boy just brought you a computer. He likes you. Besides, I've always thought you should date Jeff." I'd known the latter. Jeff was the only guy he'd ever let drive his car. And also, he'd told me plenty of times. "I like that Jeff, he'd say, I think you'll end up with him."

I was leaving work when I saw his name flash across my cell phone screen. "That movie you want to see comes out Friday night. Let's go" he said. I eyed the phone suspiciously. "Madagascar? You'll go with me to see Madagascar?" I asked him incredulously. 

I didn't think it was a date until he apologized for being late. It'd had taken him longer to get home from the golf course than he had thought. I hadn't known he was golfing that day. I asked him if he won. "I don't know, he answered, I left the guys halfway through to come pick you up."

I was quiet on the ride to the theater. He left his golf game early so that he could take me to the movies. And not just any movie. A silly kids movie that I only wanted to see because I love Ben Stiller. Maybe he thought this was a date. Should I ask him? No. We walked to the ticket window. He wouldn't let me buy my ticket. We walked through the velvet ropes at the entrance. He touched the small of my back as he guided me through the crowd.

His hand rested on the shared armrest, touching mine ever so slightly. I held my breath for most of the movie. He didn't try to hold my hand. Not a date, I decided as we headed back to my house.

Girl Meets Boy: I'm Gonna Throw A Party

(My computer is being wonky, but you can scroll down to see parts 1-4)

Pink and blue scribbles filled the pages of my dayplanner. I'd gone from avoiding everyone to filling my time with extra curricular activities in an attempt to mask the excruciating pain I was in. At home though, I still cried myself to sleep. I needed something, anything to distract me. That's when I started writing. I stumbled across a blog written by Ali Edwards and thought that starting a blog would be a fun project. I had no idea what blogging was then, I just knew that the more I wrote about what I was feeling, the more cathartic it was for me.

We were sitting at the coffee shop when I brought it up to the girls. "I think it's time for me to have a crush, I told them, and I think I've decided to have that crush on Thiago." Thiago, we all agreed, was a good choice. He was nice and funny and really good at the keyboard. "I'll throw a party, I decided, and invite him. Then y'all can tell me if he's flirting with me or if he's just a really nice guy."

"Speaking of boys, I have a boy problem of my own" Cherany informed us. We listened intently as she outlined the issues she was having with an ex-boyfriend. We asked her what she was planning on doing about it. "Well, I was thinking about asking Jeff if he would talk to him for me."

I choked on my coffee. "Jeff? You still talk to Jeff?" I sputtered. She eyed me curiously. "Of course I still talk to Jeff. Hey, why don't I invite him to your party?"

I hesitated and then the girls and I took turns filling Cherany in on the saga that had been my relationship with Jeff in the past. "That's it. You're supposed to marry him. I'm totally inviting him now" she informed me. The next day she called me with the news. "He's coming" she announced. Tiffani asked me if I could handle this, the idea of having him in my life again. "It's not in my life. It's just a party" I replied.

A party I spent a week preparing for. Freshly highlighted hair and a new outfit. A second coat of mascara. Because of Thiago, I told myself. I wanted to impress Thiago. That's why I had someone else do all the cooking.

I was handing Thiago a cream soda when the doorbell rang. I opened the glass and he stood on the other side of it. Cherany subtly nodded at me as she left us standing there on the front porch. He rocked back and forth with his hands in his pockets. "So. Um. Hi" he said softly. I invited him in as we made small talk, surprised at myself for what I was feeling.

Nothing. I didn't feel anything. I was baffled and relieved all at the same time. I'd never been around Jeff without having feelings for him. God had answered my prayers, I thought. I'd begged God years earlier to take away my feelings for Jeff and now...they were gone. This could work. We could be friends. I wasn't going to complicate us anymore.

"Do you want to go to church with me tomorrow?" I asked Jeff as I partnered with Thiago to play another round of Scene-It. "Yes" he answered, watching as I not-so-casually let my hand brush against the back of Thiago's while reaching for the remote. Thiago didn't move his hand away and I threw a meaningful glance at the girls. 

Unbeknownst to me, Jeff had come to the party because he wanted to tell me something...