kayla aimee: only slightly neurotic

Faith and Infertility and Pregnancy | Part Two

 
"I trace the rainbow through the rain, and feel the promise is not vain"*

(That's the view from our porch a few weeks ago. A double rainbow!)

I mentioned in the last post that early pregnancy wasn't at all what I pictured. Mostly because I was so extremely ill for so long and I didn't know what to do with all the emotions/sickness/fear. When I finally talked to my best friend about it, she asked "Why didn't you tell me so that I could help you?"

And the truth was, I didn't want to complain. I know what it's like to be on the other side, to hear pregnant women talk about stretch marks and swollen feet and other such grumblings. I know what it's like to hear that and long for those things, to work through feelings of resentment, to know you'd take all that and more to be carrying a baby.

I think I've realized that going through infertility did not dissolve normal issues that come along with pregnancy. They're just alongside the awe and joy I feel about it all. I'm in love with this baby. But I'm still kind of freaking out about having stretch marks already. And I kind of feel like embracing that.

I have no idea where I'm going with all that except that I felt like acknowledging it. And I wanted to say thank you to those of you who read here and who have been a part of this with me, especially those of you that are still waiting. I know that for y'all it isn't always easy to watch someone else's pregnancy unfold, even if you feel a genuine joy for them.  So many of you have made such a difference in my life by sharing in this journey with me and I want you to know that I hope and pray for you every day.

As you know, I love rainbows. I love the promise in them. I love that they symbolize a relationship with a God who promises that he cares for us always. I'm going to frame this picture for the baby's room.

*That line is from one of my favorite hymns, you can listen & read the story behind it here.

faith and infertility...and being pregnant | part one

I wrote a lot of blog posts about faith and infertility so I thought it was only fitting to share a little bit about being faith and being pregnant. And I have a lot to say so maybe this will be a mini series.

I definitely had a different picture of pregnancy in mind than what I've experienced thus far. When I'd think about being pregnant, it was always a very glowy, shiny, cutesy thought. Like lightning bugs after a picnic. Or overly happy Zooey Deschanel movies.

There were so many scary moments with the complications in the beginning that I feel as though I almost don't even know where the line between faith and fear was. I knew that I didn't want to be fearful. But what I wanted and what I felt weren't really compatible.

I went to see a counselor about my fear of losing the baby. I think infertility perpetuated the fear in me. I always thought it would be the opposite. I thought if I got pregnant, I would know that it was the Lord's doing and therefore nothing that followed would scare me because I'd be in this blissed out state of gratitude and blessing and faithfulness.

It's an odd juxtaposition to live in a place where you're so thankful and happy and fearful all at the same time. Especially when you're unsure of which things are your feelings and which things are your hormones.

I would like to tell you that I drove to some of those appointments full of faith and certainty in the Lord rather than crying hysterically and freaking out because someone left a Selah CD in the car (you know the one). I would like to, as would anyone else driving in Atlanta on those days. But I can't.

The thing about being faithful is, I'm just not all the time. I have faith, sure. But I'm not always acting in it. There's this verse in the bible though, where God says that even in the times that we're not faithful, everything is still alright. Because God? He is always faithful to us.

Graph: Infertility vs Crazy

I'm a big Demetri Martin fan and I love all the graphs he uses in his stand up comedy, even though I don't really know anything about numbers and graphs and stuff that involves math.

I figured that Demetri was unlikely to make a graph about infertility, so being the incredibly helpful person that I am, I decided to make one for him. I think it would also be very handy to hang on your fridge. Or tape to your favorite box of chocolates. Or pass out to random strangers prior to asking them if you look pregnant.

 
I was going to do a second graph about being that late and then ending up having the worst cramps ever, but I couldn't because I was too busy eating the rest of the boxes of frozen thin mints that I'd hidden behind the ice maker and asking Jeff to drive me an hour away to the closest Arby's so that I could have a roast beef sandwich.

Faith and Infertility : Simple thoughts

Whenever I write a post like this, I feel like I should put up some sort of disclaimer about sensitive material. But then I don't.

While on the topic of infertility, I received the following comment and a few other comments/emails that were very similar in nature. I wanted to discuss my take on it and also see what y'all thought about it (not the comment itself, but the premise.)

Spiritually we need to understand that sometimes what we say is what we get-if you keep saying I'm infertile...My husband always says there is a difference between truth and fact. Fact may be that you're infertile BUT truth is that God wants to bless you with children-however He chooses to do that.

What follows are some of my thoughts. They are my own and they may be incorrect, but they are how I feel in my faith and I hope I am conveying them respectfully. I'd sincerely love to hear yours. (I'm replying in the comments, it's a topic that intrigues me and I enjoy the conversation.)

In my view, I think saying "I am infertile" is like saying "We're out of bread." It is statement of fact. Currently, we have no bread (specifically, plum bread because I ate it all.) And currently, I have a diagnosis of being infertile. I don't believe stating that fact binds me to it. It's just what is. Both could change.

I believe in a God who loves me. I don't understand how it all works but I believe in it. I absolutely believe that he can and may give me a child. But God may have completely different plans for me that don't include a child. It's part of the mystery of faith, I suppose, that none of us know. I do believe that God encourages us to be specific in our prayers, but I don't believe that he would allow something hurtful to happen to me, such as preventing me from having children, just because I've spoken it.

In very raw honesty, to be told that by saying I am infertile I am causing or perpetuating it to be so is extraordinarily painful. It etches the idea that I am not good enough into my thoughts, as though I could be a mother if I just believed in the right way. I think it gives me as a human far too much credit.

For me, the bigger fact is that in my heart I am saying/believing that I love God, that God loves me, that I believe in him and his plan for me above my own wants and desires and petitions. Some days that's a tough thing to say and it hurts. Other days it comes as naturally as breathing. For me, knowing him is what is true. That is the truth, the only truth, that I find steady and unchanging.

I think it's always best to have a positive outlook but I think it's equally important to acknowledge and embrace the moments that are hard. Truly even this struggle in my life is self focused and I hope that through it I become a kinder, gentler, more giving and loving person. It's not that I don't believe that words have power, it's just that I believe God's love supercedes even that.

Faith and Infertility

Today over at Kelly's Korner the "show us your life" was to show the portion of your blog that was related to your ministry. I mulled that over for awhile because I was feeling a little ministry-less. Someone mentioned to me that maybe God was using my blogging about infertility as a ministry.

And that thought made me so frustrated. I do not want that to be my ministry. I don't. I know that's selfish, but there it is. I don't want to go through it. I don't want to be an infertility blogger. I don't want to identify with that. I just want to have a baby.

It hit me this morning that it was backwards. It's not that God was going to use my blogging about infertility to minister to others. Far from it, I just lay out my thoughts about adoption and write hateful letters to playtex. It's that God is using y'all to minister to me. The comments and emails you leave me telling me your stories and sending your prayers give me so much hope, but more than that they make me feel connected and understood in the middle of something that I feel like no one really gets.

So I decided that instead of writing about my ministry, I wanted to write and thank you for your ministry. Because you really, really do minister to my heart.

In related news, I've been avoiding a lot of questions about the Shifting Sand blog while I decided what I wanted to do with it. I may leave up the archives but I won't be posting there anymore.

I simply don't want to be disjointed. It's just that I've chosen to be a writer who is authentic. The thing is I am the same in my writing as I am in person.** And in person, there is no separation. Please know I won't be offended if you choose not to read posts that refer specifically to my spiritual life. It's just that as I trudge along this path of infertility, I'm learning that my life and my spiritual life are one and the same.

And that even though my womb may be barren, the Lord has made sure my heart is full.

**This statement does not apply to photos of myself posted on this blog. I fully admit to photoshopping those suckers, but I did say writing, y'all.

(p.s. I do hope that my talking about it openly is as helpful for others as it is for me to talk to people who have been there. I don't want it to be my identity but if I'm going to have to go through it, dang it if I don't hope that God uses it for good for SOMEBODY out there)