kayla aimee: only slightly neurotic

An open letter to Playtex

Dear Playtex,

I must say, I have a bit of an issue with your current slogan. I will freely admit that I might have this issue simply because it is a certain time of the month and therefore I have an issue with just about everything, including the way the bedsheets are touching my skin right this very instant. That's beside the point.

Imagine, if you will, waking up in the middle of the night with the realization that not only are you not pregnant, but that also? ALSO YOU MIGHT BE ABOUT TO DIE. Because that? That is how cramps feel to me. Endometriosis. Look it up.

Now, I'm not saying I don't appreciate you Playtex. You and that tiny little pill called Percoset both. But when I'm contemplating ripping my ovaries from my body with my bare hands, I can tell you that the last thing I want to see on your packaging is the words "Life is a sport...challenge yourself."

This is not the freaking Tour De France, Playtex. What exactly do you expect me to challenge myself to do? Because the photo of that girl kicking a soccer ball around? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. If by "challenge yourself" you mean ATTEMPT TO CONTINUE BREATHING then yes, I can get behind that. But softball? Really? You know that I crawled in here because I CAN'T EVEN WALK, right?

And don't get me started on the one that said "Achieve your dreams!" If I had achieved my dreams, Playtex, I WOULD HAVE NO USE FOR YOU.

I propose new packaging. One that says "We know you don't feel well. You are so right, this is really miserable and unfair. Have some chocolate. You totally don't look bloated."

Failing that, a fill in the blank package with a space to leave my last will and testament in case I don't make it out of this alive will suffice.

Yours truly,
KA

Infertility vent #56813

Jeff asked me about the unopened pregnancy test sitting on the counter yesterday.

"I'm four days late" I replied.

He politely inquired as to why, then, was the test still sitting unopened on counter. A question to which I explained that pregnancy tests are stinkin expensive.

I plan to protest the cost of pregnancy tests. Because do you know who buys the most pregnancy tests? People like me, who are trying to get pregnant. And do you know how much money I've spent on pregnancy tests this year, not counting the times I've had to buy more because I couldn't read the line on the darn thing? I'll tell you how much. So much that I'm going to have to sell my firstborn to pay off the debt the pregnancy tests are putting me in. If Alanis Morissette had been trying to get pregnant at the time she wrote Jagged Little Pill, I guarantee this situation would have ended up in her song. It's way more ironic than a black fly in your chardonnay. C'mon Alanis, no one even knows what that means.

This morning I looked at the test and debated whether or not to open it, or just pull cash out of my wallet and pee on it. Because that's how infertility makes you feel about pregnancy tests.

Today Mother Nature let me know I could save the cash this time around, so I put the test back in the drawer. We'll try again next month, Clear Blue. Until then, I'm going to go watch The Duggars and eat a pan of brownies.