kayla aimee: only slightly neurotic

The One About Cabbage

I was reading blogs at 3am while Scarlette partied with her bottle and was trying to type out a one-handed comment about mastitis when I realized I probably never told y'all about my awkward cabbage story.

I assume that was because I pretty much lost my sense of humor for 5.5 months but looking back now, it's fairly hilarious. I went up four, yes FOUR cup sizes after giving birth. Seriously, my baby weighed one pound and my chest reacted as though I'd given birth to sextuplets.

And apparently sometimes when there is just no more room for milk in your body and your body doesn't get the memo, it starts backing up under your arms. I had huge lumps under my arms y'all, bigger than golf balls. I was walking around like a scene out of A Christmas Story going "I can't put my arms down! I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS DOWN!"

That sounds funny except I actually couldn't put my arms down and I was in horrendous pain and also? I was bruised like someone had beat me. So I lift my arms and ask Scarlette's nurse if this is normal and she takes one look at me and says "Oh my goodness let me go get the lactation consultant." Who said "Oh Honey. Oh HONEY" and then prescribed me cabbage.

Right. Cabbage. To be held under my arms. Which honestly? I was so desperate I would have stuck a cactus under my arms for relief. And I am here to tell you that it worked and if you are experiencing extreme bewbie pain, skip the drugs and go right for the produce section.

The thing is, the NICU keeps the micro-preemie room super warm so even though it was mid November it was not uncommon for me to strip off my layers until I was just in a tank top. And pants. I did not walk around in my skivvies all the time, just that one time I accidentally stripped down in front of the security cameras. And also that time I flashed the L&D entrance.

(Issues <- I have them.)

So, I couldn't do things like change my baby's diaper and simultaneously hold the cabbage under my arms. So I did what any logical person would do.

I taped the cabbage under my arms.

And that's why our NICU unit was so awesome. Because a) they saved my baby's life and b) didn't make any comments about that crazy mother walking around with cabbage leaves peeking out from under her bra straps.

Humor From The NICU | Another Flashing Story

1) This is what my daily view looks like. I crack open the isolette and read her stories. I got very tired of reading her the children's books that the NICU keeps on hand. A nurse asked me yesterday what I was reading to her and looked startled when I responded "Pride and Prejudice." What? It's never to early to introduce Mr. Darcy into your life. Even Edward Cullen is no match for Mr. Darcy. (Also, I tell her about Jesus. Jesus is not second to fictional literary characters. Jesus gets his own song and everything.)

2) I got a letter from the insurance company stating that they weren't going to cover the ambulance ride to transport her to her life-saving heart surgery because they didn't think it was medically necessary. They are so right. I totally should have just strapped her in the backseat of the car with a ventilator and driven her there myself. What was I thinking? (P.S. In case you are my insurance company: the above statement was said in jest and you can not use it against me in a court of law, amen.)

3) To do skin to skin, I have to be topless. The first day, I turned my back to her room door and stripped down. Please note that attempt at modesty. In my uncontainable excitement to hold her, I totally forgot that her new room has a window. One that faces the hospital entrance. And the curtains were wide open. Apparently I'm just giving it all away for free now.

Thank you for your encouragement on the last post. I promise that I made my request nicely. Also, I do want to note that I truly love the majority of Scarlette's nurses and doctors. Some of my posts (like the previous) are taken from the journal I've been keeping and so they are very "feelings" heavy. But I will be forever indebted to the medical staff that have kept my daughter alive and worked so hard to make her well.

Humor From The NICU | INCONCEIVABLE!

<- How sweet is this? Melted my heart. Thank you, sweet friends.

I'm in the parent's lounge while my Scarlette has another x-ray. She's such a little fighter. She just started a new blood pressure medicine and we're praying that will be the key to getting her stable.

While I wait, I thought I'd share a few funny hospital stories with y'all.

1) First of all, Scarlette's surgeon? He's an incredibly talented and skilled man. Also? He looks exactly like the guy in The Princess Bride that says "INCONCEIVABLE!" To prove this, my father had never seen her surgeon but picked him out of a crowd after my description.

2) In the cafeteria there is a dispenser for utensils. It's labeled KNIVES, FORKS and MULTIPURPOSE SPOONS. I do not understand this, as the spoons are just regular spoons. I mean, it's not like they are even sporks.

3) People always mispronounce our last name. It's TARE-EL. But everyone always says TUH-RELL and I rarely correct them. I gave our last name to one of the hospital staff the other day and she said "Carol?" and when I said no she asked me to spell it. So I did. And she says "OH, you mean TUH-RELL." And I was like, um, well no, I did not mean TUH-RELL, as I'm pretty sure that between the two of us, I am the one who knows how to correctly pronounce my last name."

I'm so grateful for a little bit of humor in these days. I love and cherish each of you so very much.

Humor From The NICU: Elevator Go Down The Hole

This is a photo of the NICU elevator. Rather than an up button and a down button, there is just one button for both. Then there is that fire station button, right smack dab in the place that normally is reserved for the up button.

The NICU is on the 3rd floor. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea to put a fire button where the up button normally goes on an elevator that mainly transports massively sleep deprived, highly emotional women who are in a hurry to see their babies.

Seeing as how I haven't slept in 2+ weeks due to the fact that I am still waking up to pump every 3 hours and therefore can't even remember my own name, my eventual pressing of that button is really quite inevitable.

In other news, Scarlette's nurse yesterday sweetly took some family photos for us. This tiny girl is our joy :)

For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing. -Jer.31:25

Humor From The NICU: Elevator Lady

As crazy as it seems, I do have some funny stories from this whole experience to share. Which is great because the good Lord knows I need a little levity right now. I call this one "Elevator Lady" and I think SNL should pay me for the right to use it on their show. She could be a regular I think.

I was sent out of Scarlette's room yesterday while they did some work on her (I hate that) and decided to go get lunch so that I wasn't just freaking out in the waiting room. That seems to scare people. I get on the elevator with Jeanette (who is here taking care of me) and my mother in law and some woman who seems to just be riding the elevator up and down.

A few seconds into the ride she says to my mother-in-law "I've got it! I know who you look like! You know who you look like?" And I admit I'm curious because I never thought my mother-in-law looked like anyone particularly famous when she says "You look just like Reba McEntire...'s sister. You know, Susan?"

Because I mean, who doesn't know Susan McEntire, relatively unknown sister of Reba McEntire?

I was standing next to her holding my stomach in pain because trying not to laugh really hurts when you have an incision that goes from one hip to the other. And I had forgotten my percoset at home and apparently it's like, taboo or something to ask a random nurse if you can have a percoset and it gets you tagged on some sort of "watch out for the pill popper list" which makes no sense because hello, you're in a hospital where they keep the drugs that they gave you when you were there a few days ago so obviously they are the best people to ask for more, right? 

And the lady looks at me and says "Oh, are you in some sort of hurting?" and I said "Yes, yes I am" and she nods at me and then cuts in front of me to beat me out of the elevator.

I updated her photo album w/yesterday's pictures, but they are sort of sad b/c she has lots of IV lines now :(