kayla aimee: only slightly neurotic

A Vulnerable Aside On Judgement

(photo from January 2010)

I used to think highly of myself. The word judgemental was not found in the vocabulary used to define my own opinion of my character. I prided myself on the continual refinement of my spirit as I strove towards such things as goodness, faithfulness, and self control, thus missing completely a glaring spot in my soul. And then this experience came and reflected who I am back to me in such a way that there was no mistaking my faults.

I used to be judgemental.

I used to inwardly sigh as I watched a frustrated mother snap at her crying child in the grocery store. Narrowing my eyes in silent criticism I would contemplate how much better of a mother I would be if only I could have a baby. I used to judge mothers in grocery stores.

I used to put a hand to my cheek as I came across a photo of a baby in the hospital on a blog. Lips pursed in disapproval I would wonder at the woman who would exploit such a thing as a sick baby. I used to judge mothers taking pictures.

I used to bite my tongue as an ad flashed across the blog of a mother writing about her critically ill infant. Shaking my head in objection I would wonder at the woman who would attempt profit from an ailing child. I used to judge mothers staying afloat.

I used to judge mothers like me.

Until.

Until I became the mother of that crying child that once wailed for hours on end and discovered that simply being blessed with a baby does not lessen the frustration that rapidly mounts in such a sleep deprived state.

Until I became the mother of that sick baby, who's life is spent lived in a  hospital. Until I wanted more than anything to share photos of my daughter. My eyes glance over photos posted when Scarlette was at her sickest and I am shocked at the way she appears, how frail against a backdrop of monitors and wires and hanging IV fluids. I remember looking through the lens to snap those shots and all I saw through that small square was her, my beautiful little girl.

Until I became the mother of that critically ill infant who I wanted to share through my keystroke connection to a world outside of confining hospital walls. Until an email condemnation containing accusations of profit caused a pause and a fresh set of tears. Until I wrote through shaking hands about what once was meager pocket money becoming a blessing that buys bits of groceries as we find ourselves stranded in this journey with the unexpected expenses that come along with a 140 day hospital stay.

I used to be judgemental until life dealt me a hand that taught me I know nothing about anyone's situations nor their intentions.

I hope the lessons I take away from this time will better me. I hope to trade judgement for compassion, condemnation for mercy, assumptions for understanding. I hope to allow room for refinement to find me, rather than supposing my own self assessment is a perfect standard by which to hold others.

And I hope that my heart becomes softer as it grows in love and strives to teach my precious daughter how to navigate this world in a way that is more becoming than what I've confessed to here.

Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others.The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? - Matthew 7

Love Keeps Growing More Love

I fell in love with you
and that love became something new
it added a name and it added a smile
it keeps getting bigger every further mile
love keeps growing more love
our vows they started breathing
and they took on flesh and blood
and we held them in our arms
and tasted God was good
-Caedmon's Call, Love Grows Love


On Saturdays in March and April 2011, I am featuring the companies who have generously donated to Team Scarlette as our official March For Babies 2011 sponsors. We are so very grateful for their support. If you're looking for something unique, I hope you'll consider supporting these amazing indie businesses so CLICK HERE for sponsor photos, links and exclusive coupons codes for my readers.

Thankfulness

I stumbled across this layout that I made almost 4 years ago. I hung it up and pulled out the Cd with this song on it to listen to on the drive to the hospital, the drive I'll be making for at least another month or more.

The enormity of the act of thankfulness has been infusing itself into my life over the past several months. Because even in my worst of times, how can I not be thankful for this? For my sweet girl, who turns her head at the sound of my voice and whimpers until I lift her from the nurse's arms. For my baby, my only child, who lays her head against my chest and sighs as she snuggles in close to me. For this miracle of a life and a love.

Thankful that as far away as it seems, we will have a homecoming. We will have a homecoming.

Even when the pieces are broken and small, dreams shatter and scatter like the wind. Thank you Jesus, even then.

Moments Of Grace

Do you just love her hat? Thank you Auntie JoJo! I love how the hat and the pacifier take up her whole face! Tiny girl :)

She is fussy after I change her so I hold her, bouncing her a bit in my arms while the nurse fixes up the crib. It is almost lunchtime so I move to put her down and she she looks up at me with her big eyes and sort of nestles into me, snuggling down deeper into the crook of my arm. She wants me. She wants me and it makes me feel like a mother. Time with her is precious, scheduled in increments each day, never enough. One hundred and twenty two days and I'm still brushing tears from my cheeks each night as I leave her because it's night and I'm leaving her.

People tell new parents to treasure the moments because they pass so quickly, because they'll never be newborn again. But when you're a NICU mommy everything is limited, you never start with a full twenty four hours in a day. There are hours you miss, hours of seperation that steal from your time. And you wonder if she knows you, really knows you or if this lack of time groups you in with an ever changing rotation of nurses. It sounds trite "treasure the moments" because what else could you do when moments are all that you have? So with her hand grasping my hair and her fragile frame tucked in next to mine I sink into the recliner and hold her just to hold her. Because she wants me.

And my heart is full because she wants me and I am here, and my heart hurts because she wants me and how many times does she want for me and I am away? I see her respond to my voice each morning and I hope she does not wonder where I am when she awakens at night and I am not the one that comes. And I question how I will keep doing this, how I can go on in my weariness? I miss her in so many moments.

My grace is enough; it's all you need. 2 Corinthians 12:9

A Thank You: In less than forty eight hours we reached more than double our goal for March For Babies 2011. I am humbled at your generosity for our fundraiser and so moved by your love and support. The following sponsors are donating a portion of their proceeds to Team Scarlette so if you have a moment to visit them, that would be fabulous! Tastefully Simple, Moxie Mandie, and Pink Daffodil Designs

And if you wait for someone else's hand...

you will surely fall down, and brother how we must atone, before we turn to stone.

Over these past weeks people have pushed lessons at me and I have pushed them back, resisting. Don't tell me. Don't tell me the lesson in this trial, the meaning in tragic circumstances. Let me find it, I would think, let me find it unfurling itself through the course of my days, weaving in and out of my heart until it settles in a place where I can wrestle with it and make my own peace.

There are no answers for me. There are facts presented coldly on clipboards. There is reality happening around me that I hover on the edges of. But there are no answers. No black and white meaning.

I can tell you what I don't believe. I don't believe in a God who uses the suffering of an innocent child as a punishment or "lesson" to their parents, like the strictest school teacher issuing a reprimand. I believe that God is love. So those words said to me fall through my fingers as I let them go, because that is not meaning. And that is not an answer.

I am finding things though, because of His great grace that allows me to filter this experience through His love and in that feel the depth of hope and faith and forgiveness even through the greatest of pain.

I am learning that love can never be given too freely. That life is short and can change at any moment and in that moment you need people. We need each other. There are broken pathways left by those who we have walked away from or who we feel have walked away from us, deserting us, betraying us. Wounding us. And we stubbornly each wait on the other to reach out their hand and bridge the gap. And then something happens and you need people.

I am blessed to have found reconciliation in the midst of this. To make peace with others, to have relationships restored. Even in the midst of learning this, I still find myself struggling to keep other relationships whole, to not let misguided words pierce my heart, to remember that who I want to be is someone that looks into the face of the malignment and freely offers forgiveness, rather than clutching onto a perceived injustice and letting the bitterness seep into my soul. I am human and I fail often but I look at this time with my daughter and I am thankful for love and for restoration.

And that is my prayer for us all, because when a normal day turns into an hour of breath by shaking breath, that's when we need each other. And we will wish we had extended our hand.

And I think somewhere in this, what I found was a lesson in love.

Let's take a better look, beyond a story book, and learn our souls are all we own before we turn to stone. -Ingrid Michaelson