I've been spending a lot of time playing this really fun new game that I like to call "waiting on hold with the insurance company." If you win, you get to go to the next level called "persuading the insurance company to do something they are supposed to do anyways."
What happens if you pass that level remains a mystery. Probably something magical happens, like you get to ride on a unicorn. Made of diamonds. WHILE EATING CAKE!
As it so happens, my last few days have been spent like this:
Doctor: You need to hold her medication if her blood pressure is below 80
Me: Okay.The home nursing staff took the machine back so I need an alternative way to take her blood pressure.
Doctor: Here is a prescription for a new one.
Pharmacist: Sorry, we can't fill this prescription. We don't have a cuff small enough for your baby.
<repeat with every pharmacy in a 25 mile vicinity>
Me: Help.
Insurance Company: Your call is important to us. A representative will be with you shortly. DIAL TONE.
Insurance Company: Your call is important to us. A representative will be with...DIAL TONE.
Insurance Company: Welcome to our insurance company. For medical equipment questions, please press 9.
<presses 9>
Insurance Company: Your call is important to us. A rep...DIAL TONE.
Me: Help.
Doctor's Office: You'll need to call the insurance company and ask them for their DME provider.
Insurance Company: Your call is...DIAL TONE.
<insert stream of words that I rarely say out loud here>
Insurance Company: What is Durable Medical Equipment? I don't know why you are asking me this. What you need to do is get your doctor to write you a prescription and take it to your local pharmacy.
Me: Really? REALLY? Am I being Punked right now?
Doctor's Office: I found a DME so I'm writing orders for the blood pressure cuff. It will be here next week.
<phone rings>
Doctor's Office: I went to get the doctor to sign the orders and he said you don't need a blood pressure cuff after all so we are canceling the orders.
Me: Wait, what?! Then how am I supposed to know when to hold her medication?
Doctor's Office: He said just make sure not to give her the medication if her blood pressure goes below 80.
Me: HOW. AM. I. SUPPOSED. TO. KNOW. WHAT. HER. BLOOD. PRESSURE. IS. WITHOUT. A. BLOOD. PRESSURE. CUFF?!
<insert a ridiculously long conversation in which no one understands what I am asking and at some point begins to sound like the medical version of an abbott and costello skit>
Apparently, I'm supposed to be able to know things like systolic numbers WITH MY MIND POWERS.
And as my good friend Beyonce likes to say, they must not know 'bout me, they must not know 'bout me.
Because starting tomorrow, I'll be camped out in the doctor's office until someone writes me some BLEEPING orders. I wish I was kidding.
