kayla aimee: only slightly neurotic

On the other hand, this Wild Cherry Capri Sun really hits the spot

I'm on my lunch break as I type this. I went to Publix this morning for my daily breakfast of a toasted blueberry bagel* when I spotted this taunting me from the middle aisle.

That's right people. That is a Lunchable. I know. I can't help myself, I love tiny little pieces of balogna and cheese stacked on crackers. I also enjoy the occassional fried SPAM sandwich. Nothing says "I once lived in a trailer" than a delicate taste for SPAM. Sometimes (when I'm home alone and no one is around to mock me) I fry the balogna, slather it with mayonaise and pretend it is SPAM. Don't give me that look, I have great memories of living in the trailer and eating SPAM is right up there with playing with getting mauled by baby geese in the creek out back.

The fact that I'm eating a Lunchable for lunch now that I am a ridiculous health food junkie is wrong in and of itself. But then I opened it to find it was missing the lunch meat. So not only did I not win a trip to the Ultimate Summer Camp, as adverstised on front of the box next to the tiny little Butterfinger that persuaded me to buy said Lunchable, but I basically paid $3 for crackers and cheese.

* I realize that my life would be easier if I owned a toaster and could toast my own dang bagels.

Thus goes the story of my life

On the first day of high school I wore a pair of tight, flared pants with oversize chunky heels. The year was 1997 and I spent the entire summer pouring over Seventeen magazine in an effort to perfect my back to school outfit. After all, high school was going to be nothing like middle school. The awkardness that had been my constant shadow for the past three years of junior high was over. This was going to be my fresh start.

I stood with Laura Anne in the bustling hallway at the top of the stairs in the science building, taking it all in before heading to homeroom.

Then I promptly tripped and fell down the entire flight of stairs.

Infertility vent #56813

Jeff asked me about the unopened pregnancy test sitting on the counter yesterday.

"I'm four days late" I replied.

He politely inquired as to why, then, was the test still sitting unopened on counter. A question to which I explained that pregnancy tests are stinkin expensive.

I plan to protest the cost of pregnancy tests. Because do you know who buys the most pregnancy tests? People like me, who are trying to get pregnant. And do you know how much money I've spent on pregnancy tests this year, not counting the times I've had to buy more because I couldn't read the line on the darn thing? I'll tell you how much. So much that I'm going to have to sell my firstborn to pay off the debt the pregnancy tests are putting me in. If Alanis Morissette had been trying to get pregnant at the time she wrote Jagged Little Pill, I guarantee this situation would have ended up in her song. It's way more ironic than a black fly in your chardonnay. C'mon Alanis, no one even knows what that means.

This morning I looked at the test and debated whether or not to open it, or just pull cash out of my wallet and pee on it. Because that's how infertility makes you feel about pregnancy tests.

Today Mother Nature let me know I could save the cash this time around, so I put the test back in the drawer. We'll try again next month, Clear Blue. Until then, I'm going to go watch The Duggars and eat a pan of brownies.

It's not even that long of a bridge.

On my drive home, I have to drive on this bridge over a lake. This would be fine, if I didn't have a completely neurotic fear about the bridge collapsing and plunging me into said lake.

In the daytime, I look straight ahead, hold my breath, and try to get over it as quickly as possible. The daytime is not so bad because I can see the bridge.

Nighttime is the problem. At night, I can't actually see the bridge since the area is severely lacking in it's placement of streetlights. So at night what I do is, I slow down way before I know the bridge is approaching and watch the tail lights of the cars in front of me. I watch to make sure their tail lights continue shining all the way across the bridge, and don't suddenly disappear.

If those cars don't plunge off into the abyss, then I will proceed to drive over the bridge.

It's not so much that I want other people to drive off the bridge into the lake. It's just that I really don't want it to happen to me.

FAIL: Publix Sweet Tea

I'm southern, y'all. You know I would never say a bad thing about sweet tea unless it was entirely merited, right? Okay.

So Publix has some of the best sweet tea ever, and in picking up my deli sandwich for lunch I decided to grab a small bottle. About halfway through something in the ingredient list caught my eye.

That's right. That says CARAMEL COLOR.

Now here is the problem. Whenever I make tea, it just automatically comes out caramel colored. I don't add any sort of coloring to it to make it that color. Teabag, water, sugar. Stick it in the sun and bam. Sweet tea. I've been making sweet tea since I was old enough to carry the pitcher out to the back porch and I'm pretty sure that I would be considered an expert on this subject. So what I want to know is, what in the heckfire did Publix do to this tea that made them have to add something to it to RETURN IT TO THE COLOR THAT IT IS IN NATURE?

I find this incredibly disturbing.

Banned from reading this blog

My father, who went out and bought my niece the gift that more than half of you recommended to me. That's just wrong. Do your own research, dad.

Opposites Attract: A Case Study

I was awakened this morning by our alarm clock, which kicks on the radio at a set time every morning. This morning it happened to be playing a song by Red Hot Chili Peppers, a song that I particularly like.

So I sang along. I woke up and sang along with the clock radio.

"I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day, Take me to the place I love, Take me all the way, yea yea yea"

Jeff reached over and smashed the snooze button, effectively cutting off both myself and Anthony Keidis.

"Jeff, why would you not wake up and sing along to that song?" I asked

He put a pillow over his head and mumbled "Why would you ever wake up singing anything at all?"

Help Wanted: the perfect gift for a one year old girl?

My niece Phoenix turns one on Saturday and I am on a quest to get her the best first birthday present ever. Obviously I am going to get her an incredibly loud and obnoxious toy, because that it what really good aunts are supposed to do. I read it in the manual. And of course I am going to buy her sweet little girl clothes, mostly because I'm incapable of passing Gap Kids without buying her something. Or everything in the 12 month section. Whatever. Look at that face and tell me you'd have more self control. That's what I thought. I'm a slave to the cuteness.

But I need ideas for a gift that's more helpful to my sister, who's a single mom. What did someone give you that made your life with a new toddler much, much easier?

Summer Reading Series | Volume One

Most of you know that I am a speed reader. It's genetic, I didn't take a class or anything. I wonder what would happen if I did take a class? I've always been able to do it and while it use to be really embarrassing when I was in school, I now think it's very cool. Like, if I were an X-Men, that would be my mutant power. It's also very useful when reading long, boring legal documents that relate to purchasing a home.

This summer I have read a ton of books and we are only a few weeks in. I thought I'd share my favorites and I'd love it if you have any recommendations for this week's library run!

Summer Must Read Books:

Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin
An easy read, but not as light-hearted as her others. I found this to be the most relateable (is that a word?) of her books. It's a bit cliche, but a good, interesting story. I'd call it a great beach read.

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
My favorite book so far this year. It deals with tough situations and has some hard moments but the story is incredibly beautiful. It's definitely a love story, but so far from the typical romantic novel that it shouldn't be classified as such. It's much more a story about growth, trust, and relationships.

My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
This was my first time reading one of her books and I loved it. I thought the plot twists were great and the writing was captivating. I had no interest in seeing the movie until I read the book, but I have the sense that the movie won't be able to do the book justice since it is such an intricately detailed novel.

Blessings by Anna Quindlen
This was one of those books where I hated certain outcomes but appreciated the reality of them that prevented the book from being cliche. What I really liked was the undercurrent of thoughts about what and who defines us and our roles. It's a story that is told really well and would be fantastic for book club reading.

Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities by Alexandra Robbins
I thought this was a really interesting read. While my own experience with sorority life differed a lot from this book, I still think it's worth reading. The author posed as a sorority member, so it reads as an expose and at times is fairly shocking. It definitely made me want to read more of her work, which is how I rate authors on my hot or not scale. Secrets Of The Tomb is on my to-read list.

Overhead: Observations on aging

Jeff and I were sitting on the couch discussing getting older.

"It's weird, I told him, I mean, whoever thought I'd be any older than 25?"

He looked at me for a long moment and then replied "Um, everyone?"